Saturday, January 9, 2010

Totally Malternative: SPARKS.

So, while I'm usually the epitome of sophistication (duh), sometimes I'm not. Sometimes I have a really bad day and am cranky. Then I stop at the corner store for a $1 scratch-off ticket and a bag of 99-cent generic potato chips. As well as this concoction: SPARKS. I never had seen such a thing, and curiosity got the better of me. For $1.49, a 16-oz. can of 8% alcoholic...Something. Really, the can gave no information about its contents except that there was a) alcohol, b) malt, and oddly c) artificial coloring.
It's pretty amusing. Premium Malt Beverage With Natural Flavors, Certified Colors, FD&C Yellow Number 6 & FD&C Red Number 40!!!!!!!

Now I don't know much about artificial colors, but it seems odd that practically the only information about the beverage inside was which red and yellow it uses.
However, when I opened the can, that's when I realized why the colors are in such bold print on the can. It's a warning. So you don't die of shock when you realize that THIS is going into your body.
YIKES! Artificial-florescent-candy-cartoon-pinkish-reddish liquid covered by huge cotton-candy-esque foam. This is clearly a beverage to drink straight from the can so you aren't distracted by the appearance.

It smelled like medicine, strawberry candy, plastic, flowers, sweet tarts.
It tasted like strawberry soda mixed with cough syrup, along with a barely noticeable malty-beer like flavor.
It felt slightly flat and sticky.
This is bad. Real bad.

Some internet research taught me that this is a Miller product, and an energy drink. I thought it probably was, but really there was nothing clear from the label that it contains huge amounts of caffiene or ginseng or whatever. The website is definitely geared towards teens or maybe twenty-somethings. Not sophisticated ladies of 30. You can design your own "axe" that plays a metal riff and upload it to your facebook account! Dudes!!! (disclaimer: this was actually fun).

Anyways, my curiosity has been satisfied. If you like energy drinks and getting buzzed on a very low budget, this is for you. I definitely got a buzz and got the energy needed to have a wild night of catching up on Intervention and Hoarders. I also drew a picture of my girlfriend and our cat with crayons. WHOOO! Party-time with SPARKS.


1 comment:

  1. Dude. I can't believe you drank Sparks. It was a mainstay in the Atlanta party scene (meaning: my sister's house) for a little while, but the partygoers grew tired of it soon thereafter. That shit'll make you sick. We once found a cooler FULL of Sparks the day AFTER the party, sitting on my sister's porch, and didn't know what to do with it. I think it sat there for about 5 months before my sister dumped it all in the trash. We should have done that the day we found it...